As I embark on my second semester of graduate school, I have discovered one thing that has changed everything. I decided what I wanted to do with my life. I have chosen who I have decided to become.

Surprisingly, it only took me approximately a Bachelor’s Degree, years of schooling and $45K in student debt to figure it out. Finally, right?

I am a graduate student in a Liberal Arts program at FHSU. However, when I decided to change my career interest and my coursework. My career path  became “non-degree seeking” and because of this… I can no longer get student loans. I can no longer ask the government to help me because I came to my conclusion after receiving my Bachelor’s degree which is the limit for Federal Pell grants. However, I refused to give up.

I took a lean out on my car, got a loan for myself and enrolled for my first semester towards my dream career of becoming a Licensed Addiction’s Counselor.

While I wish I would have come to this conclusion before receiving my Bachelor’s Degree while I still had government aid or known that licensing for teaching is the only degree that the government would pay for or, even that I would no longer be able to receive student loans. I would have been more prepared.

Despite the recent turn of events, I have not given up and I have a plan to pay for the next 3 semesters as so long as regular payments continue to be made. This is what I have come to realize as an adult…. You have to struggle, endure, and strive to get what you want.

The struggle will always be worth it. I know this. I feel like I am fighting for the life I want, to have the ability to ensure that I may be able to provide for my children, and grow into the person that I want to become. So, while I sit in fear the day before classes begin and ask myself if I can do this?

I suppose I am more afraid of not trying than I am of failing because I refuse to give up. I can only hope that while I am attending my first semester of school out of my own pocket, that I will do exceptionally well because I am super interested in what I am actually studying. In contrast, I do not want to underestimate the coursework. I know it will be difficult. One advantage I do have is that I am working in the field prior to completing my degree which I am hoping will aid on understanding of my homework.

To continue my education, it is mandatory that I do well.

Yet like most students, I am trembling in my little shoes in fear that I will fail… I ask myself. What is the worst that can happen? I get bad grades and have to re-take the courses (I assume). If that happens, it is a matter of money and not of whether I will continue to try. That is rock-bottom in this situation and I have survived worse than failing a course and continued to pick myself back up again. My fears may not be “that big of a deal” or “first-day jitters”… but they feel big because in my world the life I am trying to create depends on my ability to do well, my future rides on my ability to do well in these courses and this “pressure” just intimidates me.

I could just give up without a fight. Nah, I have never given up in situations that have challenged me and I continue to fight battles everyday that I am able to conquer with less fear. So, I will quit crying and get off my “pity-party” pot and fight like I have had to do for my life at various points, for my kids, and stay motivated because I am not a victim of my life. I am in control of it. Today, I choose not to give up, not to give in to fear, and just do the best that I can. That’s all you can do, right?